then quit acting like you're about to go over the edge. you don't want to. that makes you the same as the rest of them. not us.
[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
[ it's difficult to respond to that, hard to explain what he's thinking and feeling, why that feels like a vast oversimplification. it should be reassuring, but evan never seems to grasp the minutiae of these things. not wanting to be something doesn't stop you becoming it. ]
[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
[ thinking about his past is hard in a lot of ways. some parts are easy to remember, and some blind him with rage enough that he can't even really remember them at all. some are really forgotten and some are just locked away, waiting for his weakest moments.
he glares at the question, because it's leading, and it's a diversion tactic. he can recognize it on the screen more easily than in person. ]
sure. not all the time, but people made it real easy to want.
[ holding a gun and staring at the back of his father's head was a start. ]
[ is evan... trying to reassure him? david would be quick to say he doesn't need it, but he has also been halfway off the fucking deep end. still, it's strange. david isn't really sure how to handle it. ]
I don't feel bad, but thanks.
Besides, not like it would matter here anyway, would it?
[ the lack of response might be telling, but he figures the conversation is over. nothing else to argue about unless he wants to piss them both off again, and he's had a lot of that lately.
and he's still not sure what he was trying to say to david. reassure him or dismiss his cowardice out of hand? it's too confusing for him. ]
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[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
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[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
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he glares at the question, because it's leading, and it's a diversion tactic. he can recognize it on the screen more easily than in person. ]
sure. not all the time, but people made it real easy to want.
[ holding a gun and staring at the back of his father's head was a start. ]
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Fair enough.
[ no pushing, no digging. david isn't in the right state of mind to really ask any questions about it, and it's hard over text. ]
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if you were that bad you wouldn't be at the campfire.
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[ he just thinks it would come easier to him than any of the others!! ]
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sounds like it.
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[ which is what he's been getting, so he really shouldn't be like that. ]
like i said before. don't feel bad about him. it's not gonna turn you into him. same with killing me.
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I don't feel bad, but thanks.
Besides, not like it would matter here anyway, would it?
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[ which part of him knows isn't actually true, but there's some things they don't talk about. ]
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and he's still not sure what he was trying to say to david. reassure him or dismiss his cowardice out of hand? it's too confusing for him. ]