ask them. they'll tell you the same. or they'll panic and maybe you're different from those assholes, unless you really did throw up after you killed me.
[ it takes him a while to get this out, and only partially because he can feel the entity breathing down his neck for a trial. it's hard to put into words what he knows, what he's seen. the way he's been lambasted for 'going too far' again and again because it's not normal to want to hurt people like that. ]
Everybody says they wanna kill someone at some point, it doesn't mean they mean it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, saying they wish you were dead. It's just words because they're pissed off.
[ david starts on a reply, but it's too much to think through and write out before he gets whisked off. so it's a while later before david actually does reply, he has to recover from the trial and then remember he was talking to evan first. ]
[ maybe it's the fatigue that makes him more honest, too worn out after a trial to hold his tongue the way he usually would. ]
I used to have to get pulled off people all the time. Had to learn to do it myself. Still got pulled up all the time for going too far.
Sometimes I just wanted it so bad I could taste it. Knowing I could finish them off then and there.
[ the reply after so much silence is almost a surprise. he assumed david got pissed off and dropped the conversation. the reply is more honest than he expected, which makes him reconsider his initial reply, which was along the lines of calling him a coward again. ]
so other people held you back. if it'd just been you, you would have kept going.
[ it's so far from what he dealt with - a father who actively encouraged it, who got rid of the bodies for him at the start. people who did nothing to stop him out of fear of reprisal from his father, or from him. not that he doesn't know the idea - people did try to stop him, from time to time. they were just never successful. ]
Don't like knowing I've got that in me. Felt like it was always a matter of time before I lost it and killed some poor sod who was unlucky enough to annoy me on a bad day.
He was trying to kill me. Bit more than being annoying.
[ he considers just leaving it there, but evan went and said some absolutely insane shit again and david isn't sure how to address it but he doesn't want to just leave it alone. ]
Sure, it's easy to justify when you're that fucking deep in it. Pretty sure every serial killer who ever lived could probably tell you why those poor fuckers they killed had it coming. I don't wanna be that.
then quit acting like you're about to go over the edge. you don't want to. that makes you the same as the rest of them. not us.
[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
[ it's difficult to respond to that, hard to explain what he's thinking and feeling, why that feels like a vast oversimplification. it should be reassuring, but evan never seems to grasp the minutiae of these things. not wanting to be something doesn't stop you becoming it. ]
[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
[ thinking about his past is hard in a lot of ways. some parts are easy to remember, and some blind him with rage enough that he can't even really remember them at all. some are really forgotten and some are just locked away, waiting for his weakest moments.
he glares at the question, because it's leading, and it's a diversion tactic. he can recognize it on the screen more easily than in person. ]
sure. not all the time, but people made it real easy to want.
[ holding a gun and staring at the back of his father's head was a start. ]
[ is evan... trying to reassure him? david would be quick to say he doesn't need it, but he has also been halfway off the fucking deep end. still, it's strange. david isn't really sure how to handle it. ]
I don't feel bad, but thanks.
Besides, not like it would matter here anyway, would it?
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I just don't think that's true.
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ask them. they'll tell you the same. or they'll panic and maybe you're different from those assholes, unless you really did throw up after you killed me.
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Everybody says they wanna kill someone at some point, it doesn't mean they mean it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, saying they wish you were dead. It's just words because they're pissed off.
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[ obviously. but this could be leading somewhere. he doesn't know where, or why he's really pushing now. just that he's curious again. ]
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[ maybe it's the fatigue that makes him more honest, too worn out after a trial to hold his tongue the way he usually would. ]
I used to have to get pulled off people all the time. Had to learn to do it myself. Still got pulled up all the time for going too far.
Sometimes I just wanted it so bad I could taste it. Knowing I could finish them off then and there.
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so other people held you back. if it'd just been you, you would have kept going.
[ it's so far from what he dealt with - a father who actively encouraged it, who got rid of the bodies for him at the start. people who did nothing to stop him out of fear of reprisal from his father, or from him. not that he doesn't know the idea - people did try to stop him, from time to time. they were just never successful. ]
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[ ... ]
I don't like to think about it.
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[ not a question. again, evan can't comprehend the idea of being afraid of his own violence anymore - but he can grasp the idea. ]
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everyone deserves it in the end. there's always a reason. you'd have got used to it.
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[ he considers just leaving it there, but evan went and said some absolutely insane shit again and david isn't sure how to address it but he doesn't want to just leave it alone. ]
Sure, it's easy to justify when you're that fucking deep in it. Pretty sure every serial killer who ever lived could probably tell you why those poor fuckers they killed had it coming. I don't wanna be that.
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[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
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[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
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he glares at the question, because it's leading, and it's a diversion tactic. he can recognize it on the screen more easily than in person. ]
sure. not all the time, but people made it real easy to want.
[ holding a gun and staring at the back of his father's head was a start. ]
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Fair enough.
[ no pushing, no digging. david isn't in the right state of mind to really ask any questions about it, and it's hard over text. ]
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if you were that bad you wouldn't be at the campfire.
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[ he just thinks it would come easier to him than any of the others!! ]
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sounds like it.
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[ which is what he's been getting, so he really shouldn't be like that. ]
like i said before. don't feel bad about him. it's not gonna turn you into him. same with killing me.
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I don't feel bad, but thanks.
Besides, not like it would matter here anyway, would it?
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[ which part of him knows isn't actually true, but there's some things they don't talk about. ]
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