[ he's about ready to leave it there, expecting getting called a coward because he simply doesn't have the patience to get into all that. but evan follows it up. ]
Maybe I'm not.
[ there's too many cycling parts, even to a statement as simple as that. david can't juggle those, not with how messy his head is right now and not over text, and that makes his own thoughts difficult fo explain. makes him wonder if maybe evan doesn't have a better idea of this sort of thing — sure, his view of people is heavily skewed and distorted, but he's the one here who killed people. maybe there's something to that. ]
Maybe I'm just fucking full of it this time. Never mind.
but he doesn't understand why david's asking him as much as he doesn't understand why he wants to know. and now david's trying to shut it down? he must have hit a nerve, somehow. ]
wanting to kill's normal. most people just don't have the balls to try.
ask them. they'll tell you the same. or they'll panic and maybe you're different from those assholes, unless you really did throw up after you killed me.
[ it takes him a while to get this out, and only partially because he can feel the entity breathing down his neck for a trial. it's hard to put into words what he knows, what he's seen. the way he's been lambasted for 'going too far' again and again because it's not normal to want to hurt people like that. ]
Everybody says they wanna kill someone at some point, it doesn't mean they mean it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, saying they wish you were dead. It's just words because they're pissed off.
[ david starts on a reply, but it's too much to think through and write out before he gets whisked off. so it's a while later before david actually does reply, he has to recover from the trial and then remember he was talking to evan first. ]
[ maybe it's the fatigue that makes him more honest, too worn out after a trial to hold his tongue the way he usually would. ]
I used to have to get pulled off people all the time. Had to learn to do it myself. Still got pulled up all the time for going too far.
Sometimes I just wanted it so bad I could taste it. Knowing I could finish them off then and there.
[ the reply after so much silence is almost a surprise. he assumed david got pissed off and dropped the conversation. the reply is more honest than he expected, which makes him reconsider his initial reply, which was along the lines of calling him a coward again. ]
so other people held you back. if it'd just been you, you would have kept going.
[ it's so far from what he dealt with - a father who actively encouraged it, who got rid of the bodies for him at the start. people who did nothing to stop him out of fear of reprisal from his father, or from him. not that he doesn't know the idea - people did try to stop him, from time to time. they were just never successful. ]
Don't like knowing I've got that in me. Felt like it was always a matter of time before I lost it and killed some poor sod who was unlucky enough to annoy me on a bad day.
He was trying to kill me. Bit more than being annoying.
[ he considers just leaving it there, but evan went and said some absolutely insane shit again and david isn't sure how to address it but he doesn't want to just leave it alone. ]
Sure, it's easy to justify when you're that fucking deep in it. Pretty sure every serial killer who ever lived could probably tell you why those poor fuckers they killed had it coming. I don't wanna be that.
then quit acting like you're about to go over the edge. you don't want to. that makes you the same as the rest of them. not us.
[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
[ it's difficult to respond to that, hard to explain what he's thinking and feeling, why that feels like a vast oversimplification. it should be reassuring, but evan never seems to grasp the minutiae of these things. not wanting to be something doesn't stop you becoming it. ]
[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
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No, but only because I had to force myself not to half the time.
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been a long time since i was in that spot.
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Most people don't want that, not until they've been pushed too far. Shit, most people don't even wanna hurt anyone.
I'm saying if you wanna know what it's like, then maybe you should look at a normal fucking person.
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Sure, yeah.
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[ wait. he wants to hear more. better not just drop that and run. ]
everyone wants to kill someone at some point. even outside this shithole. you can't be that different.
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Maybe I'm not.
[ there's too many cycling parts, even to a statement as simple as that. david can't juggle those, not with how messy his head is right now and not over text, and that makes his own thoughts difficult fo explain. makes him wonder if maybe evan doesn't have a better idea of this sort of thing — sure, his view of people is heavily skewed and distorted, but he's the one here who killed people. maybe there's something to that. ]
Maybe I'm just fucking full of it this time. Never mind.
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[ says evan macmillan.
but he doesn't understand why david's asking him as much as he doesn't understand why he wants to know. and now david's trying to shut it down? he must have hit a nerve, somehow. ]
wanting to kill's normal. most people just don't have the balls to try.
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I just don't think that's true.
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ask them. they'll tell you the same. or they'll panic and maybe you're different from those assholes, unless you really did throw up after you killed me.
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Everybody says they wanna kill someone at some point, it doesn't mean they mean it. Like a kid throwing a tantrum, saying they wish you were dead. It's just words because they're pissed off.
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[ obviously. but this could be leading somewhere. he doesn't know where, or why he's really pushing now. just that he's curious again. ]
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[ maybe it's the fatigue that makes him more honest, too worn out after a trial to hold his tongue the way he usually would. ]
I used to have to get pulled off people all the time. Had to learn to do it myself. Still got pulled up all the time for going too far.
Sometimes I just wanted it so bad I could taste it. Knowing I could finish them off then and there.
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so other people held you back. if it'd just been you, you would have kept going.
[ it's so far from what he dealt with - a father who actively encouraged it, who got rid of the bodies for him at the start. people who did nothing to stop him out of fear of reprisal from his father, or from him. not that he doesn't know the idea - people did try to stop him, from time to time. they were just never successful. ]
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[ ... ]
I don't like to think about it.
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[ not a question. again, evan can't comprehend the idea of being afraid of his own violence anymore - but he can grasp the idea. ]
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everyone deserves it in the end. there's always a reason. you'd have got used to it.
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[ he considers just leaving it there, but evan went and said some absolutely insane shit again and david isn't sure how to address it but he doesn't want to just leave it alone. ]
Sure, it's easy to justify when you're that fucking deep in it. Pretty sure every serial killer who ever lived could probably tell you why those poor fuckers they killed had it coming. I don't wanna be that.
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[ not me, in short. he's not sure if this is explaining his interest in how david feels, or if it's some kind of reassurance, or if he's just talking out his ass here, but he gets the feeling that david either wants to know he's not about to descend into total violent lunacy, or just rage against an opposite viewpoint. fortunately, evan can always provide that. ]
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[ he stops and starts a few times, trying to figure out how to reply, but a different question worms its way into his head. ]
So you started out wanting it?
[ he doesn't know why, but that feels hard to believe. ]
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